Beyond The Darkness
by hezziebob182
Summary: When Grace's Mom Dies, Can Grace Get Past It? Chapter 3 up.
1. Everything Happens For A Reason

Story: Beyond the Darkness

Chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I don't own Joan Of Arcadia.

IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ-

Hey. To explain, part of this story was originally co-written between myself and lemmingally. Then we decided we would each go our own way with the idea and see where we ended up. This is not a competition. We are bestest friends and HAVE NOT fallen out. But for the sake of the story and our readers, we decided to each write this separately and without compromise. I have changed most of the fic but the odd line or paragraph I have kept the same.

The fact remains that Lemmingally had an equal part in writing the originals and she deserves some of the credit for them. Luv ya Ally x.

If you were partial to weird non story related AN's that came with B.T.D when Ally and I co-wrote it then don't worry. I'll still get her to co write the odd chapter of random stuff or whatever with me, as we too were partial to the non story related AN's

An: Maybe (I can't remember), Grace officially lives in a house. But here it's a flat. I can't be bothered changing it.

**Part 1**

Grace turned her key in the lock and opened her front door. Walking into the flat she was at once struck by the smell of alcohol, intoxicating and upsettingly familiar. Her heart skipped a beat as she tried to swallow down the lump developing in her throat.

_Get a grip Grace. You don't care, remember? You don't give a damn. You've had years of this, you're used to it. You don't care anymore._

She pulled out her key and closed the door behind her with a soft click. She was about to turn down the hall towards her room when she hesitated, freezing for a second. She turned and walked down the hall in the opposite direction. She knew, even then, that no good could come from it. But there was still a tiny part of her, a part that she hated, that wanted to say goodnight to mom before she went to sleep.

"Mom, Mom it's me. Where are you?"

Grace faintly heard the sound of vomiting coming from the bathroom, the volume increasing as she got closer. Strained, painful wrenching noises that she had fallen asleep to too many times before.

"Oh Mom." Grace once again saw her Mom bent over the toilet; the content of her stomach spewing from her moult as her body screamed in protest at this self inflicted abuse. Grace bit down on her lip hard as she fought the tears. This sight got her every time. "Why do you have to keep doing this to yourself?"

"Gracie,"

Grace shuddered, filled with the sudden urge to reach out and strangle the pathetic attempt of an adult in front of her.

"I think… it's past… past your … bedtime."

She looked at the watch on her wrist. Seven thirty. Taking a few deep breaths, Grace picks up a towel and tries to clean the sick of her mom's face.

"Go to bed! Don't touch me." She batted her daughter away with a careless hand.

Grace didn't have the energy to argue. After a few seconds she walked out, wishing she had just gone strait to her room and put her Walkman on full volume, her usual defence towards these ever more frequent situations. She went to bed alone and upset. But 'Gracie' was used to that.

**Part 2**

Reluctantly, Grace opened her eyes to the morning glow of sunshine on her face. Remembering the night before she frowned, wondering where her mom had fallen asleep. She didn't bother shouting her. She wouldn't answer back anyway.

She got up with the intention of calling Joan to plan something for the afternoon. Besides, she needed Luke's chemistry notes. Her mom was crashed out on the sofa. Grace went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Mom, you need to drink this. Mom, wake up." There was no reaction. Grace's heart started to beat just a little faster. "Seriously, you need to wake up now. Mom?" Grace shook her. "Mom!" Still nothing. She reached out and put two fingers on her mom's neck, checking for a pulse. Nothing. She moved to her mouth and nose, praying to feel her moms breath, hot and humid on her hand like she had so many other times when she had checked. She stayed a few seconds longer than she knew was conclusive. Still nothing.

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god Mom! What the hell do I do? _

Grace ran franticly into the hall and grabbed the phone. She picked out keys 911.

"I need an ambulance! Come right now. Please come right now! She's stopped breathing!" She ran back to her mother's lifeless form and remembering what the guy on the phone had told her, rolled her into the recovery position. Her father, the Rabbi, had left for a late sermon last night and was not yet got home. Knowing that her dad didn't have his cell with him because it was on the table next to her, she called the phone line at the synagogue but that was engaged. So she left a message.

"Dad it's me, Grace. There's… there's something wrong with mom. Just meet us the at the hospital okay?" she hung up, becoming aware of her hands shaking.

It seemed like a lifetime to Grace before her ears could pick out the sound of sirens in the distance. She rushed over to buzz the ambulance crew in the second they arrived.

**Part 3**

Grace sat alone in the relative's room of the hospital, her eyes red and swollen. A doctor walks in. She recognises him as one of the guys who tried to save her mom.

_Tried to._

"Hey. I never got your name." He smiled sympathetically.

She looked up at the guy and already hated him for his sympathy.

_Why do I even have to reply? Why do I have to anything? Why should I have to drink the disgusting tea they keep bringing me? Why do I have to sit on this cold hard chair in a separate room? Is grieving infectious? Couldn't I sit with other human beings? _

Eventually the silence was too heavy. "Grace."

_Why do I even have to keep on breathing? I'd be so much easier to just stop._

"We did everything we could Grace, I'm very sorry."

_Whatever. Sure. It's not you who could have been there all night though. It's not you who could have stopped this. It's not you who just went to bed and left her._

"Your father just called. He says he's very sorry but he's stuck in traffic and he's doing everything he can to get to you as soon as possible. Oh, and there's someone at reception for you, say's her name's Joan?"

_It's not you who could have stopped this. It's not you who could have been there when it mattered._

"How did he sound?"

"Who?"

"My dad."

"Well, upset. Understandably. And he's very concerned about you. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be here soon."

"Joan's here?"

He nodded.

"Is Luke with her? Tell her I want to see him."

He nods again, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Then he walked out.

Joan jumped up as the doctor walked through the doors. "How is she?"

"I can't say really. Not brilliant though. She asked for 'Luke'. Do you know him?"

Joan turns to her brother. "Grace wants to see you." Luke looked almost as bad as Grace did.

"Okay then." He seemed slightly surprised by this.

_Oh god. What the hell do I say to her?_

The doctor looked over at Luke. "Come on through, if you're ready."

Joan gave her brother a quick hug before he followed the doctor through the doors.

When he walked in she was sat on a plastic chair in a corner of the relatives room, a plastic cup of tea cold and untouched on the plastic table next to her. She noticed Luke and stood up to meet him.

"Grace, I…I'm…" Luke stopped, aware of her leaning forward towards him, stepping closer until her head reached that groove in his shoulder where it fitted perfectly.

_I guess I don't have to say anything._

He pulled her in closer, wrapping his arms around her to stroke her hair like she had let him only once before. Those words almost haunted him now, 'My Mother Drinks.'

**Part 4**

Joan was left alone in reception. Another guy walked over, a younger one.

"Hey Joan." God's usual sarcastic tone had mellowed into the softest voice she had ever heard him use. He sat down in the seat next to her.

"It's you!" Joan got up and moved away from him by a few paces, her voice aggressive and angry.

"What the hell did you think you were doing? You let my best friend's mom just die! I hate you!"

"Joan. I think we've had this conversation before. Remember, after Judith died?"

"I know, it's just… just…" A few tears rolled slowly down her cheek. She fell back into her chair next to god.

He put his arm around her, whispering soothingly into her hair. "I know Joan. I know."

She leant her head against his shoulder, remembering all the other times he had comforted her like this.

After a minute he shrugged him off. "Stop it. I'm mad with you."

God frowned, obviously hurt. "Everything has a reason Joan." He said in an agonisingly calm voice that made Joan want to scream.

"You…you…" All the words she wanted to scream out were constricting her throat, choking her.

"What's your reason then? I hate you! Doesn't that mean _anything _to you?"

_Oh Joan. If only you knew how much._

He coughed, clearing his throat. "Everything has a reason Joan."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well that's all for now. I would really like for you to tell me what you think. Unless you hated it. In which case I do have to admit I'd rather not know. But otherwise please review!

Hezzie x


	2. Journal

Disclaimer: I don't own JoA.

Hey. This is very short, I know, sorry. But there will be more. And you know the saying; things have to get worse before they can get better.

This is the night after chapter 1. Funeral is up next I guess, unless I just skip it.

ooo

**Journal. **

_When you pretend to care, it hurts almost as much as it does when you just don't. How dare you stand there and smile at me like you're sorry when you and me both know that soon we'll go through this whole ordeal again? What gave you the right to make me feel as shit as I do right now? So you gave birth to me. You're my biological mother. Some mother you turned out to be. I don't know why you bothered. Why do I care what you think? Why do you make me feel like this and then the next day I'll just give in and let you pretend things are normal? What the hell is going on in your head? If you're gonna self-destruct that's your shit but you're dragging Dad and me down with you. You're killing me mom, do you even care?_

ooo

_I hate you Mom_

_Is this love?_

_You've ruined me Mom_

_Is this care?_

_I'm hurting Mom_

_Is this childhood?_

_I want to scream at you Mom_

_Is this normal?_

_I'm broken now Mom_

_Do you feel it?_

_I can't stand you now Mom_

_Do you mind?_

_I can't love you any more Mom_

_Do you love me?_

_I guess not_

_Well you drink yourself stupid_

_Because in my head I'm murdering you_

_Painfully _

_Over and over again _

_A thousand times _

Grace took in the words, just a page of a whole notebook filled with hate. They didn't change much. Same message, same words, over and over again in different ways, a page for almost every night since she was about 10. She suddenly thought of the possibility that Sarah could read this now. The guilt consumed her, smothered her like a thick blanket. So she sat there, in the darkness of her closet, flicking off the torch to stop herself reading any more. The tears fell onto the pages on her lap, washing away the ink, erasing the words.

_I do love you Mom. I swear it, I do._


	3. I'm here

Well TeeJay, this is for you. Yeah, bringing Adam into is _does _make sense. It's funny how that slipped my mind… this has been a bit rushed so I apologise for any typos I haven't spotted.

ooo

Grace had fallen asleep hunched up in the closet, the diary still in her lap and her face stinging from the tears. She jumped up as she head a tap on the window. Stirring, she realised where she was and got up to get into bed. Grace doubted she would sleep again but went anyway, the noise forgotten, disregarded in her mind as an imagining.

Tap. A pebble bounced off the window and Grace knew she hadn't imagined it.

'Grace?' She heard her name, sounded out slowly, painfully into the night air. Recognising the voice, she opened the window. 'Hey.' Adam looked up at her from the garden. Grace didn't say anything; she knew no words are needed. She grabbed her keys and went down to meet him; concerned that buzzing him up would disturb her father. They haven't spoken since the hospital; Grace preferred to keep it that way, for now at least.

He was sat on a wall by the door, waiting for her. Letting the cold air assault her skin, Grace walked over to meet him. He stood when she got close, and even in the darkness she could tell he'd cried.

'I should have been there Grace. Joan tried to call me and I never picked up…' Guilt was the look in his eyes, the same guilt eating her alive because _she _hadn't been there when it mattered.

'It's okay.'

Adam knew she had been with Luke. Luke had been there. Luke had held her and told her she was okay and done all the things he should have been there to do himself. He wasn't jealous, more disappointed in himself for not sensing something was wrong all on his own, the way close friends often can when their partner is in trouble.

Grace guessed at what Adam was thinking, how they were both the same now, both Motherless. She didn't want to be the same, she wanted her Mom back, flaws or no flaws.

Adam knew the girl stood next to him was close to breaking down again, a rare moment of weakness that hurt so much more for her because it meant she wasn't invincible. He thought back to when Elizabeth had died, groping around in his memory for words that he could now repeat to her, desperate to console her as she deserved…

'_She's gone Grace. She... she killed herself.'_

He had slumped across her shoulder, howling the way only a child can howl, comforted only the way the shoulder of a best friend can comfort. She had let him cry for a long, long time.

_'It's okay. You're okay. Shhhh…'_

Those words seemed inappropriate now; there was no howling.

Eventually she had pulled him up by his shoulders, she fingers warm against his cotton t-shirt.

'_Look at me Adam. Look.'_

He had looked. She reached out to wipe a tear from his cheek.

'I'm here. I'm always going to be. Okay?'

'_Yeah.'_

He sat back down on the wall. She took a seat next to him.

'I'm glad you're here Adam.'

That's when he saw it, a tear brimming from the corner of her eye. It broke free and trickled down her cheek. He reached out and caught it.

'Look at me Grace.' She looked, eyes bright. 'I'm here. I'm always going to be.'

Grace had mouthed the words to the last part, remembering when they had been hers. 'Yeah,' she murmured, before resting her head on his shoulder, to be comforted the way only a best friend's shoulder can comfort. 'I know.'

ooo


End file.
